Getting Personal with My Creator – Part 1

It is widely understood that the relationship between a mother and her child is special.  Even more so if that mother has multiple children as each of those relationships is uniquely special.  I only know this from observing the relationships between my own children and their mother.  Each of them may not understand it fully yet; but, there is no doubt their mother knows that relationship full well as she holds onto that special something for each child every day of her life.  That’s what mother’s do.

My mother was taken from us by pancreatic cancer just over four months ago.  She was 72 years young.  She loved Jesus and she loved all of her children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  I’ve always known this.  There has never been a time where I doubted her love for all of us.  But I don’t think I ever really saw that special love she had for each of us . . . that unique relationship.  She just always loved us, all of us.  It was just the way it was.  That is, until I did begin to see it during the final few months of her life.

She had always spoke of it for so long her desire to have all of her children together with her.  There have been too many years since that had happened.  Mom did get her wish.  We all spent time with her at her bedside.  At first, there was so much laughter shared and each of us kids egging her on poking fun at her “mom-isms”.  She insisted we go through her belongs and have things settled before she was gone.  Practically and logically speaking it was better to proceed, but beyond that, if you knew my mother, there was no arguing with her.  She was going to have her way.  We decided to make the best of it and walk through memory lane together.  It’s amazing how much time is revealed through pictures and things.

It was in those moments that I watched my mother as she interacted with each of us during those months where she was fading away that I started to recognize the unique connection she had with her children.  Her mannerisms and responses . . . the words she used, the things she entrusted with each of us.  It was beautiful.  One day as I was sitting with her, praying with her, I began to fully realize how special and unique I was to my mother.  I could see it in her eyes.  I could hear it in her voice.  I knew my mother loved me, but I don’t think I ever experienced a moment like this with her where I just suddenly knew there was so much more.  It was as if she needed me to know but didn’t have to say the words.  Immediately I felt compelled to share with her so many things.  I shared with her new dreams, goals, and all that God was doing in my life that I had yet to tell her.  I shared so much with her that day, I probably even confessed to a few things as well.  She already knew.

It was even in those final moments that Mom showed us she loved us because she told us.  Her eyes were closed, her breathing had been sparse for so many hours by that time.  We were there and knew she was about to be with her Lord.  There was a supernatural peace in the room.  Each of us simply told her, “I love you,” one by one, and with each one she mouthed back to us, “I love you too.”  Once we each received her final expression of love, she was gone.

As the oldest son, as a seasoned minister of the Gospel, my role became one of strength and encouragement.  That’s the role I placed on myself anyway.  Having ministered with families through this season many times before, I began to walk myself through it too.  Anyone who has experienced the loss of a parent understands how the next few weeks went.  It was a beautiful Celebration of Life service.  The family together made sure every final request my mother made was fulfilled.  And suddenly, it was time to move on.  The reality set in that I was now living my life without my mother in it.

Wait.  How can this be?  There should have been more time.  We should have had a few more memories to make.  Why did this happen?  Where did the time go?  All of a sudden, I was angry.  I was really angry.  I knew better than to blame God.  I know and believe that God didn’t take my mother away, cancer did.  What God did was open His arms to take hold of my mother when she stepped into eternity.  That’s what God did.  The question is, what did I do?  When my father passed away a few years ago, I was heartbroken and angry as well.  But with my dad, even with the pain of losing him, it was like he passed something on to me when he went.  A strength, a responsibility, a mantle if you will.  It hurt when he was gone from us.  It still hurts.  But I didn’t stay angry.

It has taken most of this time since Mom passed for me to realize I am still angry.  What I’ve struggled to figure out is with what or who am I still angry.  It occurred to me that the last few months I haven’t been as faithful to my daily devotions in the Bible.  It has also occurred to me that I haven’t spent much time with God in prayer.  I stopped talking to Him.  I literally had no idea this was happening.  It was a sharp and sobering moment of realization.  I’ve been angry with God.  I didn’t want to be angry with God.  God didn’t do this.  Somehow, I was convincing myself all this time I wasn’t angry with Him, but in reality, I was.  I went straight to Him and the brief conversation went like this:

“God, have I really been angry with you?”

“Yes, you have.”

“But God, I don’t blame you.”

“I know.”

“Then why am I angry with you?”

“Because you are holding on to the pain all on your own.”

“Are you disappointed in me?”

“No.  I love you.  And I’ve been waiting to hold you and to heal you.”

That was a powerful moment with my Creator.  I can’t say that with a snap of His finger everything changed.  The reality is that giving over pain like this is a process.  Though God is fully embracing me, there is still healing going on within me.   I began to question if I was alone and allowed to feel this way?  And, is it OK to be angry with God?

A survey taken under the research of psychologist, Julie Exline, “revealed that 62 percent of people on occasion were admittedly angry at God; people who are more highly educated, women, and younger individuals all showed a slightly greater tendency toward God-directed anger… and Jews and Catholics were slightly more angry than Protestants.” [1]

I’m not alone.  And most certainly it is OK to be angry with God.  I just don’t want to stay there.

John Piper once addressed a crowd by saying, “It is never, ever, ever, right to be angry with God.”[2]  After realizing the confusion caused by his words, Piper elaborated on this statement with “let me add this: If you are angry with God, it is never right not to tell him so.”[3]  Piper does believe it is a sin to be angry with God.  His argument goes something like this: to be angry at sin is good; but to be angry at goodness is sin; and God is goodness, therefore, to be angry with God is sin.  I will clearly state here that I wholeheartedly disagree with this line of thinking.  I believe that God created our emotions, all of our emotions, including anger.  As with any emotion, we must steward over our anger and display the fruit of the spirit of self-control.  God gave us these emotions as part of our humanity, His creation, made in the image of Him.  We manifest emotions such as joy and thankfulness toward God.  How is it we can’t communicate anger to Him?  It goes against the design.  Our anger may be unjustified or undignified, and if so, we should repent and restrain ourselves.  But I believe God wants us to engage Him with all of our emotions.  I think it is one way He draws us closer to Him.

Recently I wrote a paper for a course that was an exegesis of the Old Testament book of Jonah.  There is a whole lot more to the story of Jonah than a prophet getting swallowed by a big fish.  Without getting into all of that, I will say that in my study of this book, I determined that it is okay to get angry with God.  Jonah was fiercely angry with God and displayed as much throughout the four short chapters of this book.  To be clear, Jonah was not justified in His anger and God challenged and chastised him for it.  But God did allow it.  Jonah freely expressed his anger toward God.  God didn’t shut him up or disavow the calling and mission on his life, or even take him out.  God let Jonah say his peace.  At the appropriate time God responded.

When a child gets angry with a parent, it is usually because the child was reprimanded over a disciplinary issue.  And at the appropriate time, the good parent will likely bring understanding that the correction comes from a place of love and protection.  This is more like the relationship between Jonah and God.  Though, sometimes a child can become angry with the parent because of something the parent allowed to happen.  There are so many examples to fit this scenario, a missed opportunity perhaps.  The anger is born out of confusion and displeasure.  Ultimately the reality becomes clear that the parent understood something the child did not.  Whatever the situation or event that took place, it wasn’t what was best, or it wasn’t a part of the long-term plan.  In every possible scenario, as this parent knows, the allowance of said circumstance did not come from a dark or hurtful place.  More often than not, these scenarios are played out because of conditions that are out of the parent’s control.  But the parent is present and ready to love and console and comfort the child as they work through the disappointment.

God is our Heavenly Father.  He didn’t create the situations that caused the death of my mother or my father.  We live in a world that has been corrupted with disease.  Our bodies are not designed to last.  There is an eternal plan for us.  It’s ok that I’ve been angry with God.  It is okay that I question Him for allowing my parents to pass away when they did.  But I can’t stay angry.  I must allow God to love me, to console me, and to comfort me as my heart heals.  I am human, and just as with any human relationship, in order to move beyond my anger there is something else I must be able to do.

 

To be continued . . .

Check back for Getting Personal with My Creator – Part 2: “Can I Forgive God?”

 

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                  [1] D. W. Ekstrand, “Dealing with Anger Toward God,” (The Transformed Soul), accessed 16 January 2020, http://www.thetransformedsoul.com/additional-studies/spiritual-life-studies/dealing-with-anger-toward-god.

                  [2] John Piper, “It Is Never Right to Be Angry with God,” (Desiring God), 13 November 2000, https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/it-is-never-right-to-be-angry-with-god.

                  [3] Ibid.