It’s nearly half past ten o’clock in the evening.  The family just finished watching the latest Star Wars film on Blu-ray.  I’m just sitting down at the table, opening my laptop to catch up on my social media accounts and to do some coursework.  iTunes is playing Holy Water by We the Kingdom on my Beats.  All normal.  Nothing out of the ordinary here.  And suddenly I just can’t.  It’s a surreal moment . . . maybe.  I’m stuck in this spot in time.  I am overwhelmed with emotion.  My mind is flooded with the accumulation of all that has been absorbed over the last several days.  And I can’t help but wonder why now, why in this moment is it hitting me?  The urgency to pray seems to be the only remedy.

In just over an hour our state government will have placed in effect a “Stay at Home” order to last for 30 days.  It was only a week ago that the magic number was 15 days.  Now 30 more.  Oh, how so much has changed in just a short period of time.  All because of a virus.

I really am struggling to organize my thoughts here, but I’m compelled to get it out.  Yes, I planned to write an entry to this blog this week.  But it wasn’t this.  There were other ideas brewing in an effort to keep as much normalcy as possible to my routine.  Yet, in this moment that I am pinned to, I am forced to accept this is anything but normal.

To say the least, these recent days have been like a roller coaster for me, for us, for the world.  There is a new normal manifesting all around us.  Like pretty much anyone else, I am trying to make sense of what is unfolding before our very eyes.  I’m not easily prone to states of panic, and this pandemic has not changed that for me.  It is my conviction that we don’t walk in fear but with faith in our Creator who loves us.  This hasn’t caught Him off guard.  We will get through this.  And still, just yesterday I leaned over to my wife and uttered the words, “I’m not afraid, but I am beginning to be really concerned.”  Not that I hadn’t understood the seriousness of this ordeal.  In fact, I was likely among the first to wave the precautionary banners when the first reports started coming in.  I don’t know how to explain it really.  But there seems to be a difference between taking a situation seriously and the weight of it pulling on your very being.

As I process the gravity of my emotions, my mind is panning over what my last several days have included.  I have been to the grocery store every day this past week.  Remember, I don’t operate out of fear.  But as a type 1[1] I can’t help being overly prepared for things.  With a wife and three daughters at home, the instincts kick in and I make sure we have what we need.  I’m not confessing to hoarding, so don’t go there.  It’s not that bad.  I still don’t have any paper towels or Lysol.  More than anything, I just needed to go so I could feel a sense of control if I am to be completely honest.  I know, I feel an ounce of hypocrisy crawling all over me.  Where’s my faith, right?  My faith is just fine.  But my humanity is certainly exposed.

As a family pastor, how we conduct our worship services has all changed overnight.  I’ve spent these last few weeks learning about live-streaming and utilizing social media in different ways to stay connected with the church.  It’s certainly not the same as the fellowship we’ve come to enjoy as a body of believers.  Our core families all seem to be hanging in there.   But so many of our students I have not heard from and don’t know how they are doing.  As a pastor, that is a difficult thing.  I’ve started working from home . . . sort of.  I still find myself showing up at the church a couple of days during the week.

I mentioned the roller coaster effect.  This entire ordeal really is like one.  There are peaks and valleys all along the way.  It always seems like the valleys dominate our attention.  Stress and tension levels are high.  Uncertainty and confusion are taking its toll on the world.  It is unsettling when you find so many pockets of people not understanding the seriousness of this virus that is plaguing humanity.  It is disturbing to hear reports of people fighting over toilet paper in the grocery store.   My heart breaks for those who are losing their jobs because of the economy coming to a halt.  I just found out today that my stepmother has been furloughed.  The same thing just was announced for my younger sister who works for Disney.  Every school aged student has suddenly become acquainted with homeschooling.  That in and of itself isn’t a terrible thing, but the logistics behind it with such immediacy has certainly created a degree of havoc in many homes.  Is it possible that that even today some families still don’t have a home computer with internet service?  That occurred to me today.  What are those students doing?  Many school systems are not returning to their campuses this year.  Graduations and other traditional coming of age activities are now stolen from so many young people.  I have friends who have had to postpone wedding ceremonies.  For that matter, pretty much any and every event from now until the beginning of summer has been removed from our calendars.  Valleys, yeah, there’s been quite a bit happening in the valleys.

At the same time, my heart has not been impacted by the valleys alone.  The peaks have definitely revealed themselves too.  I choose to dwell on these moments as much as possible.  As fast as this pandemic has thrust itself upon the world, the response of true humanity has been impressive.  Corporations and organizations have stepped up to provide help wherever they can.  Artists, musicians and performers, despite the obvious impact upon their livelihoods, have offered to give their gifts to the world right from their homes.  I’ve witnessed acts of kindness that for all intents and purpose seemed like a lost art to our busy world.  It is having an effect on people.

Serving others is just a part of what I do, so this isn’t a boast by any means.  While heading to my truck after today’s visit to the grocery store, I offered to help an older, obviously physically challenged woman that was parked next to me put her bags in her car.  She kindly said she could handle it, but really her need was getting the motorized buggy back to the store.  So, I took care of that for her.  It really wasn’t a big deal.  When I got back, I noticed another young lady actually assisting the woman with her bags.  She said with a smile, “she insisted on helping me.  It’s a good day.”  I smiled back and hopped into my truck.  As I began pulling away, I looked over at her, and I noticed she was staring at me with a subtle smile.  When she saw that I caught her eyes, she raised her arm and waved.  It wasn’t just a typical wave.  It was almost like what you would expect when you are saying “so long” to a loved one.  That just grabbed me.  If I were to guess what was going on in her mind, this woman probably had not experienced that level of kindness in a very long time, if ever.  I’m emotional just writing about it.  I got to be a part of that.

For me personally, other peaks have shown up through my family.  Since my mother passed away last Fall, and my father just a few short years ago, I and my siblings have drawn closer to each other, more than ever really.  I have spoken to all of them often recently in call or text.  Especially during this crisis, it just seems to be a daily thing to hear from one or more of them.  I am certainly not complaining.  Late last week, one of my younger brothers called me, and we had probably the most wonderfully vulnerable conversation I’ve ever had with him.  It was beautiful.  I left that call with my heart so full.  My other younger brother sent me some pictures of my newest baby niece born just a few months ago.  How precious she is.  I spoke with my one of my sisters on the phone this morning, and texting my other sisters daily.  My twin called me yesterday to check in with me but also to share some of his struggles.  We prayed together.  He called back today, twice in fact, to testify how God answered those prayers already.  His faith skyrocketed.  Hearing his voice declare the goodness of God with such fervency was such a blessing.

There is no shortage of great reports of wonderful things taking place.  I had heard about birthday and teacher parades ushering through neighborhoods.  One of those claimed the streets of my neighborhood yesterday.  It was teachers reaching out to the many students in our community.  There were so many of them, all honking with “We Miss You” signs adorning their vehicles.  Aside from it causing my dogs to bark incessantly it was a beautiful event.  More of the same kinds of things are coursing through the news feeds of social media.  With all the negative and self-promoting that social media can be, it is during this season that the positives are beginning to shine.  I really appreciate the posts that are encouraging others during this time, taking it one day at a time.

It is with that thought I suppose I will bring this to a close.  It’s taken me almost two hours to put this down.  The “Stay at Home” order is now in effect.  Again, this is not my best writing or organized expression of thought.  I just had to get it out.

I was frozen until I did.  The main point I believe this post represents is that we are in unprecedented times.  This pandemic isn’t just something happening somewhere else with someone else.  It is affecting all of us in one way or another.  And the reality that its impact will be longer lasting than we want it to be is very sobering.  Yet, we are all in this together.  There is a great opportunity for us to be our best selves.  Our faith isn’t just going to be defined by our declaration of God, but through the testimonies of our lives as we serve one another.  We can do this . . . one day at a time.

[1] Enneagram Personality Typing System.